Being a parent is hard. In fact, with the changes in our world today, it might just be one of the challenging moments we have had to face in decades. Change leads to uncertainty, and uncertainty can lead to stress. Stress certainly affects all areas of our lives, sometimes it will impact our relationship with our loved ones the most; especially our children.
Our children can be complicated (let’s face it, so can we!), and it is a daunting task to ensure that every move is the “right” one. That all of our conversations, demands, requests, plans, praises and criticisms mean something. Every moment we spend talking to our kids, we hold the hope that these words will be enough to fill our children with the hope of a great future at a time where the future is so uncertain. Times change, and this too shall pass, but one thing we can guarantee is that we will never have a second chance at spending a childhood with our children.
En tant que parents, we often ask ourselves if we are in fact doing the right thing, wondering how we can get through to our kids, trying to understand our children better, and sometimes feeling like a guilty failure because we tell ourselves we are doing it wrong. Oftentimes, that is not the case, but there is no instruction manual on how to raise a child that will work for everyone in all situations. Sure, there is a lot of advice, an overwhelming amount of it, but again, most advice is just that; guidance and recommendations by people who don’t know you or your child. Some of it is helpful, and some of it…not so much.
One thing that we cannot deny though is the importance of a healthy relationship between parent and child.
Research shows that:
- Children who have a healthy parental relationship are likely to develop positive relationships with their peers.
- They also exhibit better emotional regulation.
- A secure parental attachment leads to better cognitive development.
- A strong child-parent connection means that the parent is more involved in students’ academic lives, which could lead to a higher level of academic achievement.
It is essential to make the time to nurture a relationship with your child, and perhaps even more imperative, making sure the interactions we have with our children during that time are positive. This is something that many parents find challenging, which is why we created a parent book club for the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Together we learned ways to positively communicate with our children in order to strengthen our bonds. We spent time discussing ideas from the book, as well as had a virtual meet up to role-play some of the strategies from the book. On top of that, we invited Middle School Guidance Counselor, Regina Wehner, to provide parents with a workshop in understanding our child’s cognitive and emotional development.
Here are some highlights we would like to share with you!
First, from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, here are two of our favorite strategies:
- Repeat After Me
Children have difficulty regulating their emotions, as the brain’s emotional regulation center is one of the last to develop. This means that they need our help in the form of compassion and modeling. This can be so challenging, especially when we may have difficulty managing our own emotions at times! We have an easy strategy for you that will only require two things:
- Listen
- Repeat
When your child comes home upset about something that happened at school, instead of lecturing and offering our sage advice, we can simply listen to their concerns and repeat the ideas back to them. For example, if your child comes home upset and says something like, “Ugh, today Elizabeth and Sarah were so mean to me! They completely ignored me and I hate both of them now!” Instead of saying, “Elizabeth and Sarah are your best friends. It’s not a big deal and I am sure you will be fine tomorrow,” which could invalidate your child’s feelings, you can say, “Oh, I see. Elizabeth and Sarah made you feel a bit left out. That probably made you feel a bit sad and mad.” At this point your child might keep talking and open up to you, which is great! It means they trust you and you are making them feel better. Continue to listen, nod, say, “Mmmhmm,” and repeat what they say. Having you simply listen will likely make your child feel 100% better and ready to face their next challenge!
2. I wish!
Our children often express their desires in the form of wishing they had things they don’t have or wishing things were different than the way they are. For example, children may say, “I wish I didn’t have to do all that homework.” We may reply, “Well, you do and that’s that!” or “It’s what you have to do. It’s your responsibility so you need to do it now!»
This may escalate into a battle of wills as parents feel frustrated that they keep hearing the same complaint and repeat the same reasoning. The children feel frustrated because their opinions are being invalidated and they feel misunderstood. Well, don’t worry, we are here to help! We have a little trick that will help you turn the conversation around, and that is to agree with your child. It may sound counterintuitive, but we have firsthand experience with this trick and it works wonders!
For example, if your child says, “I wish we could go to the park today like I wanted!»
Instead of saying, “I can’t, I am too busy,” or “Yes, but we can’t, it’s raining,” we can say, “I wish we could too! We could go to the park and have a picnic! We could fly a kite and blow bubbles! Why don’t we have a picnic in the living room and after that we can blow bubbles in the bathroom!»
The first part gets the kids excited and their imagination going, taking them to a happy place. The next part makes them feel heard and connected to you.
Maintenant, some highlights from Ms. Wehner’s workshop:
*Please help me choose these! :)*
If you would like to join one of our workshops or book clubs in the future, make sure to follow us and stay tuned! We have great things coming up this fall!
